


let's give this another try

by mysecretfriends



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-13
Updated: 2013-05-13
Packaged: 2017-12-11 19:22:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/802288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysecretfriends/pseuds/mysecretfriends
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“We were better off as friends, anyhow. You’re so much better off with Feferi. It used to make my blood boil seeing you smile at her like how you used to smile at me, but now it just makes me…” she trails off, casting about for the right word. “It makes me happy, I think?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	let's give this another try

**Author's Note:**

> [Pairings: Sollux/Feferi with implied past!Sollux/Aradia  
> Word Count: 4,067]

You’ve been like this for as long as you remember; one moment (or maybe it’s a few days — time blurs when you’re in a high mood) you’re soaring on top of the world and the next you’re crashing down back into the harsh reality of the world with nothing to cushion your landing. Today is no different. You were just fine, good, in fact, until you saw her bushy black hair bobbing in the hallway, until you caught her eye. Foolishly, you wanted to raise your hand to her in greeting like you used to, but you swallow the impulse and look away from her.

You know you’ll never be the same, you and her. You knew there was no turning back on the night you asked her to be your girlfriend.

But that’s all in the past and you never try to dwell on it, it only makes the self loathing worse. Even now, you’re struggling with the soft, mocking voice of your conscience that whispers of your every imperfection and fault, but then you feel a hand. It’s soft and warm and like an anchor. You cling to it like a drowning man out at sea and turn to see Feferi smiling radiantly up at you.

Feferi. She was the one who helped you through those rough weeks after the break up, the one who calmed you down when you were too worked up. Even now, she’s the calm to your never ending storm and although she may not understand your disorder, she does try very hard with you. Her patience never wears thin and she is always forgiving after you pick fights with her.

You can’t help it when you argue with her. Sometimes, she’s just too damn sunny, too damn optimistic. You try to get her to take off those rose tinted glasses and swallow down a good dose of reality, but, try as you might, she never does. She’s perky when you’re not and maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that’s what you need.

She’s still learning how to handle your mood swings, how to give you space, and that’s all you can ask. After all, it’s not like you two were particularly close before you started dating. Not like you and—

You force that train of thought to a halt and take a deep breath through your nose to steady yourself.

You tell yourself time and time again that you cannot compare these two girls, Aradia and Feferi, that they are as different as the sun and the moon, but its a struggle sometimes. All the things you looked for in Aradia were the qualities Feferi had and vice versa. And maybe that’s a good thing, a welcome change of pace.

Where Aradia was fascinated with the past, Feferi had her eyes set on the future. And, here you were, just trying to muddle through the present.

The warning bell gives a shrill ring and those left in the halls hustle off to class. You give Feferi a quick peck on the lips and promise you’ll meet her after school. You watch as she walks off with confident strides to her own class and you can’t help but feel the sense of dread creeping up on you. Not because she was gone (though there were times where you felt like you needed her more than air herself when your bouts of depression were too much), but because you knew the next class was one you shared with Aradia.

Both of you always went to that particular class after you left her, as if determined to show each other up by not skipping out. It was if doing so would make you look weak because you couldn’t face one another. And it was agony. You sit just a few seats behind her and watch her when you’re supposed to taking notes, the way she leans over to whisper and giggle with Tavros. She takes special care to not acknowledge your existence and you’re okay with this.

Well, a part of you is, anyways. It’s a relief to not have to pretend everything’s okay.

But, the other part just wants to talk things out, to see if there’s a chance to smooth things over and give being friends again another try. That cruel voice in your head laughs at these thoughts, though, sneers about how that’ll never happen, so you always hold back.

You slouch into class, staring straight ahead as you pass by Aradia before slumping into your seat just as the tardy bell rings. The teacher is already droning on about something not of interest, but you see Aradia is sitting straight up, absorbed in the lecture.

History class had always been her favorite.

You dig out your notebook and just as you were flipping it open, you feel someone on your right give you a nudge.

“You’ve been staring at her like a creeper for the past two weeks, Sollux,” Karkat hisses, just low enough so that only you can hear. You feel the heat of embarrassment creep up your neck and you open your mouth for a rebuttal, but instead just sag lower into your chair, as if all the air had been drained out of you.

He wasn’t wrong.

 _“Give me a break, it’s been two weeks,”_ you scribble onto a sheet of paper before tearing it out of your notebook and handing it to him.

You watch as Karkat rolls his eyes and the paper is quickly handed back to you, the large, bold print unmistakably his.

 ****_“Just grow a pair and talk to her, idiot!”_ You look over to see him staring at you hard, an annoyed scowl on his face. You know he’s tired of all this moping business, that he’s just trying to be a good friend, and you can’t blame him for trying to give you that extra shove you need.

 _“And say what?”_ you write back, handwriting growing more sloppy with your agitation. You could never write as fast as you thought, though typing was a completely different matter. _“”Oh, hey, Aradia, sorry for stomping on your heart! What do you say we just ignore everything that happened and go back to being friends?”“_

Karkat gives a low sigh as he reads your answer and soon enough he’s handing the note back to you, careful not to be seen by the teacher.

**** _“That’s not what I’m saying at all, dumb ass. I’m saying you guys SHOULD talk about what happened and clear all the bad air between you two. If you guys want to be friends again, it’ll happen, but for now just try to make amends. It’s obviously making the both of you miserable just pretending like you two don’t fucking exist. You even get stressed out over this class because she’s in it!”_

Your teeth worry away at your bottom lip as you mull over his words, trying and failing to come up with a counter argument. You know he’s right. He always is when it comes to things like this. And, sometimes, you hate it. But, you know he’s always trying to do what’s best for you.

Before you can write anything further, the teacher is calling for attention and saying there will be a project due in a week. She says you’ll have assigned partners and already your heart is plummeting to your knees. You clench the sheet of paper tightly in your anxiety as she begins reading off each groups name and you can only pray you’re partnered with Karkat.

But, no, Lady Luck has never really taken an interest in you.

Instead, she declares that you and Aradia will be partners and you can see the girl three desks in front of you visibly stiffen and you feel like you’re going to puke.

“Perfect timing, I guess,” you mutter to Karkat, who gives you a helpless shrug. “Fucking Christ.”

As if sensing the discomfort of her students or maybe the audible groans of displeasure were enough of a cue, the teacher adds, “If you do have any problems with your assigned partner, please speak to me after class.”

You wonder who will break first; you or Aradia. Will either of you even request a change in partners? A part of you doubts it; it’s a sick game you two have been playing ever since you broke up. Trying to tough out the next week of what is sure to be awkward and agonizing and act as if nothing is wrong is going to wreak havoc with your already shot nerves.

“We’ll begin working on the projects tomorrow,” the teacher continues as she hands out the assignment sheets. You don’t even glance over it. You’re too drained of energy. If you could sit in that desk forever, you probably would have, but the bell was ringing and students were shuffling out of their seats. You barely notice until Karkat rests a light hand on your shoulder and gives you a sympathetic look.

You scowl slightly, wishing the pity from others would stop, and gather up your belongings before slinging your backpack over your shoulder.

You move through the sea of students heading toward their lockers or to the busses and you know you should stop at your own locker, but you walk right past it, too absorbed in your anxieties of the upcoming week. You try to pull yourself together just as you spot Feferi, waiting patiently at the front door for you.

Immediately she brightens and then her face clouds with concern as you grow closer to her. You’ve always had a hard time masking your emotions; it was so much easier to pretend to not give a fuck when you were behind a computer screen.

“Are you alright?“‘she touches your cheek, hands warm, fingers soft, and it eases your nerves a bit. But not enough to keep the storm raging in your mind at bay. Already, you’re feeling a headache beginning to form and you use it as an excuse.

“Is that all?” she laughs, digging around her purse for a bottle of medication. She hands it to you and you throw two pills back with a mumbled thanks.

You’re not sure how to tell her about how you’ve been paired with Aradia for a history project. You’re even less sure how Feferi will take it, so, as you walk with her, you remain silent and listen to her ramble about her day in silence. You give the occasional nod or appropriate response to show that you were listening, but you weren’t. You were still trying to figure out what to do about the whole situation and you were so absorbed in your own thoughts you barely realized that you came to the spot where the two of you usually part ways.

“Listen,” you started slowly, rustling your already unkempt hair, a nervous habit. “I’ve been assigned partners with Aradia in history…“ you trail off at the pursed lips, the look of concern.

You continue, words rushed and stumbling over one another, “I think I should talk to her. You know. About the whole… yeah…”

She’s silent for a time, brow furrowed with concentration before her face breaks into another sweet, gentle smile.

“I think that would be good for the both of you. Especially her. Maybe you’ll feel better after!” she laughs, the sound vivacious, and you give her a half hearted smile.

“You think so?”

She shrugs.

“It might. But, it’s better to try, I think,” she encourages before standing on the tips of her toes to kiss you. You lean down so she has an easier time and can’t help but smile down at her.

“I hope so, too,” but she has no idea just how hard this was going to be.

After another kiss and quick hug, you part ways, starting off for your own house.

Out of all the hardest things you’ve had to do in your life, this seemed to rank right beneath breaking up with Aradia.

You wish you could just run away, but its a foolish thought. No matter how far you go, your thoughts and guilts will always catch up.

\------

When it’s time to partner up, you make sure Karkat is close by, though he’s already busy coming up with ideas for his own project with his partner, Dave. He’d probably bitch at you for interrupting him, so you’ve promised yourself to handle this alone, no matter how awkward it may be.

And, awkward it is. You had pushed your deck against Aradia’s and instead of brainstorming, the two of you are determinedly ignoring each other. You toy with your pencil idly, casting around in your mind for some sort of topic that may interest her, when she breaks the silence.

“Maybe we could do something about the Egyptian pyramids,” her voice is careful, borderline emotionless and you just offer a haphazard shrug to her suggestion.

“You were always the history buff,” you mumbled and she gives a loud sigh of annoyance.

“You’re not even helping.”

“So, tell me what to do,” you snap and immediately wish you could take the words back. This is the exact opposite of what you’re supposed to be doing. You’re supposed to be trying to patch up the relationship, not add more fuel to the fire.

She purses her lips and narrows her eyes in annoyance before she hisses, “I’ll take care of it then.” And then she hides herself behind a dusty tome, the title peeling off the old book that you’re sure she had checked it out from the library, as if she already had the project planned. Knowing her as well as you did, she probably had it planned the day the assignment was announced.

Glancing over your list of things needed for the project, you look for anything that could make you of use, toying with your pencil anxiously and just wishing this class would be over with. But, every time you glance at the clock, it seems like the big hand is just moving slower and slower, mocking you.

“Uh,” you clear your throat and see her eyes peek out at you from over the rim of the book. “Maybe I could do the slide show? And we can both split the note taking if you’d like to do the essay…” you trail off, trying not to look away from her gaze.

“Okay,” her eyes brighten for just a moment until she seems to realize it's you she’s talking to and she disappears again behind her book.

You cast around for more ideas to keep her talking.

“What exactly are you wanting to write about with the pyramids? Anything specific?”

She sets the book down, looking thoughtful as she gazes up at the ceiling before shifting her attention back to you, “I was thinking of maybe writing about the purpose of their design and what the pharaohs had buried with them and why. Did you know that they began building pyramids in a triangular shape because it was like a stairway for the spirits to climb to heaven? There’s even a passageway that leads from the bottom all the way to the top of the structure to help the spirits pass to the otherworld,” her tone had turned from careful boredom to excited in less than a few moments the more she talked and you can’t help but smile softly.

This was the girl you remembered. The girl you fell in love with.

“I didn’t know that,” you say and she gives a breathy laugh.

“A lot of kings had extravagant tombs, like they were trying to show up the other pharaohs,” she continues, eyes bright. “I’d love to visit one of the great pyramids one day…”

“Maybe you will,” your smile widens more.

And, then, suddenly, as if she realizes who she’s talking to, that cold mask of indifference snaps back into place and she shrugs.

“Maybe. We should get to work.”

And she disappears behind her book once more. You hide your disappointment by busily flipping through the pages of your own tome, but you have a feeling now that you have a topic to discuss with her that, maybe, this week wouldn’t be so terrible.

———

The week drags by, but it wasn’t as horrible as you thought it would be, though those little butterflies of anxiety constantly filled your stomach every time you thought of facing Aradia and only grew worse at the thought of trying to get her somewhere private so you could talk to her. You were surprised when the day to present came and went without a hitch, largely in part of Aradia’s knowledge of archeology and ancient ruins, and you’re cursing yourself for being practically useless up there as you sit back down in your desk to let the next group present.

You still haven’t asked her to talk about what had happened. You’re still not even sure if you can manage it, but by the time the bell rings, you force yourself onto unsteady feet and make your way nervously to her desk where she’s packing her things and chattering away to Tavros in bright, chirpy tones.

He spots you before she does and the look on his face causes her to turn around. It’s all she can do to mask the scowl before she smooths her face into a look of boredom, but it isn’t missed by you, which makes your anxiety all the more worse.

You stand there awkwardly for a moment or two before Tavros breaks the silence, “I’ll meet you at the library, Aradia.” he gives her a meaningful look before wheeling himself out of the room.

Now all of her attention is on you and you can feel your palms are slick with sweat, so you ball your hands into loose fists.

“Uh, look, AA…” you start out slowly, feeling like your tongue is swollen and stuck to the roof of your mouth. “I was wondering if we could talk.”

“We are taking,” she replies coolly as she stands up and swings her rucksack over her shoulder.

You bite back a scowl and take in a small breath.

“I mean in private. I’d like to talk about… you know…”

She’s silent, and for a moment, you think she might just turn around and walk out on you with the way she’s perched on the tips of her feet, like a bird ready to take flight. But, she’s never one to run — she’s headstrong and stubborn, that girl.

“Okay…” she agrees, just as carefully.

You shift your weight from one foot to the other, feeling some relief that she agreed to the idea, “Walk with me?”

She follows you through the emptying halls, careful to keep her distance, to the little room behind the theater. It was the only place you knew where the two of you would have peace and privacy, not really wanting anyone to overhear.

For a few seconds, you two just stare at each other, neither wanting to begin the conversation that needed to happen.

She’s the first to break it.

“It’s okay, you know. I was upset, sure, but it's… it’s okay,” she tries to give you a reassuring smile and it only makes you feel worse. “I don’t blame you for wanting to leave me. I can’t even stand being around myself sometimes with how depressing I can get.”

“No, AA,” you want to argue, but you don’t even know where to start. “That’s not—”

“It is. In part, at least. Not one person can ever fully take the blame for something, right?” she gives you a small, watery smile, and you think your heart breaks. “We were better off as friends, anyhow. You’re so much better off with Feferi. It used to make my blood boil seeing you smile at her like how you used to smile at me, but now it just makes me…” she trails off, casting about for the right word. “It makes me happy, I think?” there’s a questioning tone, as if she’s not sure that was the right word to use.

“Well, something along those lines. I always wanted what was best for you.”

You stare at her, presenting her words, and agitation flares up inside of you and you’re not sure why.

“Stop trying to play the martyr card!” you snap and she draws back, surprised.

“God, I am so done with all this pity party bullshit from the both of us,” you continue, pulling at your hair with some frustration. “You’re not the only one who’s hurting and don’t try to tell me you’re actually happy seeing me dating someone else.”

Her eyes flare with anger, her chin tips upward with defiance and she plants her hands on her hips.

“Who’s throwing a pity party here?! I’m just telling you the truth! Yeah, sure, it still hurts to see you with her, but it doesn’t take a day to heal such a huge wound that you left in me!” her voice is steadily growing in volume. “You’re the one who wanted to talk! If you didn’t want to hear the truth, you should have just left me alone!”

You squeeze your eyes shut, trying to calm the boiling rage inside of you and it’s hard. So hard. This isn’t how you wanted this to go. You didn’t want to end up fighting with her and making things worse than they already are.

“You’re right,” you sigh in defeat. “Sorry. That was uncalled for. I can be an asshole sometimes…” you give her a half hearted smile. “And you were right about how not just one person can take the blame. Look, I… I didn’t think we were in the right place to continue dating, you know? I don’t think two negatives can be around each other for so long…”

But, she used to not be so negative. Sure, sometimes she was still that happy girl you fell in love with, but then she would slip into days of depression where it took all of her will just to climb out of bed. You knew how it felt and it hurt you to your core to see her suffering like you do. And you knew your own bouts of depression, your bipolar disorder, wasn’t going to make things easier.

You tell her this, not even realizing that you were speaking until a silence hangs in the air, loud and ringing. You just watch her watching you, watch as tears spring to her eyes and you want to reach out and tell her that what you said was wrong. That you were lying and please don’t cry, god I hate it when you cry. But you don’t.

You can’t.

Because you both know it’s the truth.

“I know I wasn’t helping either,” her voice wavers. “Sollux, I’m so sorry…” the last words were hushed and she casts her eyes downward.

“It’s not your fault,” you try to soothe her. “Shit at home, that’s what’s getting to you. As for me, we’ll I’m just kind of beyond repair, but that’s besides the point.” you give a lopsided grin at your self depreciating humor and she just gives you another soft smile.

“So, uh… What do you say we give this friends thing another try? I mean, KK is cool and all, but if I hear him bitch about the quality of the food in the cafeteria one more time, I’m going to explode,” your words are careful and you're searching her face for any sign of disagreement. Instead, you find relief and you feel your smile widening as she hooks her arms around you in a tight hug.

“That would be great!” she grins up you, voice breathless. “I missed our B-movie nights. Making fun of them with Tavros isn’t really the same…” she chuckles and takes a step back from you.

“Yeah, I hear you,” the two of you are moving toward the door. “KK just tells me how stupid it is. So, how’s Damara doing?”

Aradia gives a loud, theatrical sigh, “Oh, don’t even get me started about Damara…”

As the two of you walk down the hall, you listen to her prattle on about her older sister and can’t help but smile down at her.

Everything was going to be okay. Or, as okay as it could get.


End file.
